Before anything else, a disclaimer. The first time I did a post of this sort some friends thought it happened to me and I wasn't spared from their curiosity. So I'm telling you now, this is not from experience. This is what you get when strong emotions, a foolproof hugot playlist and a good coffee come together in the wee hours of the morning.
“I love you.”
There, I said it. Every thought crowding my mind and all emotions clogging my chest came down simply in three words. Three words and boy was I short of breath. Saying my pulse feels like a sledgehammer suddenly became the understatement of the year.
I was anxious, excited and scared, all at once. I knew I can never un-hear whatever would come out, but what choice do I have? I just let the bomb loose; silence cannot even make up for it anymore. There’s no way out but through.
The pause was chilling as though the temperature dropped several degrees in a matter of seconds. Every tick of the clock felt agonizingly long. Tick-tock-tick-tock.
Finally, he broke the ice and it came down like an avalanche vibrating through my eardrums. “I’m sorry”, he said in almost a whisper. I never thought a whisper this soft could sound so sure and worse, linger like an echo.
Just like that, the portrait of us I painted in my mind came shattering down the floor as my tears run down my cheeks as if on cue. It’s tragic to see him with such unquestionable sincerity – in the most insulting of apologies, in the most hurtful of replies.
It was a pity how I did not get the answer I desired. I guess that’s just what love is: a gamble. Well, at least the honesty was liberating. I will no longer carry the burden of wondering because my “what if” had just been given answer, albeit blunt and brutal.
But all the same, I couldn't help but feel silly at my just-failed confession. I virtually patted my back and smiled to myself, “There, there. You've done your part.”